set text:
Nijinsky, Romola, ed. The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. 1936. Berkeley & LA: University of California Press, 1973.
[1918-19]:
Feelings.
Many will say that Nijinsky pretends to be like Christ. I do not pretend - I love His deeds. I am not afraid of being attacked. I say everything I have to.
I used to go out on the street. I deceived my wife, I had so much semen that I had to throw it away. I did not waste it on a cocotte. I threw it on the bed in order to protect myself from catching a venereal disease. I am not erotic and therefore will not deceive my wife any more. My seed I will save for another child - I hope I will some day have a son. I love my wife, I do not want anything bad to happen to her. She is sensitive. She thinks that I do everything on purpose, in order to frighten her. Everything I do is for the purpose of making her well and happy. She eats meat - that causes her nervousness; it does not matter if one eats meat - to lead a good life is important. My wife knows that it is good to lead a regular life, but she does not realize what this mode of life consists of. "To listen to God - and obey Him - that is a good regular mode of life." People do not understand God, and ask themselves who is this God who must be obeyed. I know God and His wishes. I love God.
I do not know what to write about, because I have suddenly thought of the doctors and my wife-who are talking in the next room. I know they do not like my actions but I will continue in the same way while God wishes it. I am not afraid of any complications. I will ask everybody to help me and will not be afraid if I am told this, for instance: "Your wife became insane because you have tortured her; for this you will be imprisoned for the rest of your life." I am not afraid of prison and there I will find life, but I will die there if I am put there for life. I do not wish my wife ill, I love her too much to harm her. I like to hide from people; I am used to living alone.
Maupassant was terrified of being lonely. The Count of Monte Cristo liked loneliness because he wanted time to prepare for his revenge. Maupassant was frightened of solitude; he loved people. I am afraid of loneliness but will not cry; God loves me and so I am not alone. If God leaves me I will die. As I do not want to, I will live like other people, in order to be understood by others. God is mankind, and does not like those who interfere with His plans. I do not; on the contrary I help Him. I am the weapon of God, a man of God. I like God's people. I am not a beggar. I will take money if a rich man will leave it to me. I like a rich man. The rich man has a lot of money and I have none. When everyone finds out that I have no money, they will get frightened and turn away from me. That is why I want to get richer every hour.
I will hire a horse and will make him take me home without paying him. My wife will pay.
- The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky (1973): 176-78.
Select Bibliography:
diary:
Acocella, Joan, ed. The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky: Unexpurgated Edition. Trans. Kyril Fitzlyon. 1999. New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 1999.
Biography & Secondary Literature:
Buckle, Richard. Nijinsky. 1971. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1980.
Nijinsky, Romola. Nijinsky. 1933. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1960.
Nijinsky, Romola. The Last Years of Nijinsky. London: Gollancz, 1952.
Homepages & Online Information:
Wikipedia entry
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